Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The north wind doth blow

It`s cold. It`s way too cold. I`m tweaking the nose of fate and tickling the balls of stupidity by laying here in a nice hot bath with the lil gas heater on the setting marked 'blast furnace' and typing away on my laptop.

But I don`t care. I`m warm. I`m toasty. I can feel my extremities - stop sniggering at the back there! I`m even looking forward to getting out the bath because the towel is nicely smoldering in front of the heater.

All of the above could have been nicely summed up in one line.

I don`t like the cold.

And in less than 15 minutes now i`ll be sat infront of the tv watching Stargate with a big plateful of pancakes.

So that`s all you`re gonna get out of me tonight. No long ramblings. No deep and insightful post on the inner working of Paddy.

Because right now all I can think about is pancakes.

Sigh. Why can`t everything in life be as simple.

And just to prove I haven`t been totally lazy. I had a quick mess about creating a webpage in google pages. My masterpiece can be viewed here

Monday, February 27, 2006

Madonna...not anymore

Ok, just had to make a quick mention on this story I read on The Superficial:

Madonna has gotten a pair of fake eyelashes made from mink and studded with diamonds from Japanese makeup artist Shu Uemura. The Scoop alleges that the mink is real but they're not sure about the diamonds. I'll just go ahead and assume the diamonds are real as well...more

The original story is from a snippet on MSNBC.

Mink eyelashes...eyelashes made from real mink?...all I can say is WHAT THE FUCK...


Well my head survived the day without wanting too explode.

Hmm, does that sound slightly pornographic or is that just my warped mind.

Anywho. I just gotta get to Wednesday and then I can get my prescription. I sometimes wonder if the thought of going dizzy makes me go dizzy. Or something like that. I feel quite tired most of the time at the minute. I could sleep all day.

Met my ex-wife today. Well, technically she is still my wife as we haven`t done the deed yet. But anyway, we lead seperate lives a lot happier so who cares what a bit of paper says. Well she`s doing ok without me. A lot better without me in fact. She`s got a good job, nice boyfriend and a cool speedy little car. Something she`s always wanted.

Zara asked me if I regret splitting up and seeing what she has without me. Or words to that effect. I`m sure she`ll comment if i`ve got it wrong.

I naturally said I have no regrets at all. Which is true the more I think about it. So why am I writing all this here. I guess I wanted to get it all in writing in case I didn`t explain myself well to her. I`m hopeless at getting my words out in the right order and usually just confuse people even more.

I don`t regret splitting up. I regret the manner in which I brought our marriage breakdown to a head. But what`s done is done. But as people we had grown apart completely. We get on great now. Mainly because we know we can happily leave each other to go to the people we love. I guess it`s like looking after someone elses baby. It`s nice for a while. It reminds you of the happier moments. But then you can hand the baby back and sigh with relief that you don`t have to deal with the messy stuff.

I don`t have any regrets about starting my new life with Zara. I may sometimes wonder if I`ve done the right thing...for both of us. She left her family and her job to move nearly 200 miles to live in a strange northern town with someone she met on the Internet. Oh God, I hope that doesn`t start filling her with regret!

I sometimes miss being on my own. But that`s because i`m quite a solitary person to begin with. It was great living on my own for a while. Doing whatever I wanted, with whoever I wanted. But I didn`t want to do that for the rest of my life.

I don`t really know how to end this post. I guess i`ll just say i`m happy. I`m content. And through all the years I was with my wife I can`t remember feeling this good (she`d probably say the same).

I hate Mondays!

Urgh, the beginning of another cold week.

Damn I miss my bed already.

Garfield sums up exactly how I feel right now!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Round n Round

Urgh. I feel terrible.

It always happens. And it`s my own fault. I`ve been on anti-depressants for the past few years. For all sorts of reasons including virtgo.

I used to get these head exploding dizzy spells that could last anything up to 3 days! I literally couldn`t turn over in bed without it feeling like my brain was being squeezed.

Anyway, after lots of medical tests, scans and the like the doctors couldn`t find a thing physically wrong with me. So that just leaves being mental...there`s a joke in there I guess.

So you think i`d be used to taking my repeat perscription back to the docs. But nooooo. I still forget and leave it too late. So now I have to survive the next 2 days without them. And i`m starting to feel a bit panicky at the thought of it.

Which is making me slightly dizzy as well.

I`m trying to keep my mind on other things. So i`ve been busy fitting the new panel to the side of the bath. Which went remarkably well.

What with that and Zara taking pics of me in the bath. Don`t worry Celena, it`s only because Miaow has room to sit on the edge of the bath with me. And any such pictures will only be used on Half Nekkid Thursday as per the rules!

I`m also blaming the weather for this grotty feeling as all it`s done all weekend is rain.

Ok, enough complaining. Time to relax for half an hour until Invasion starts.

Oh and please hop over to my new tenants site. I`ll give a better intro for her when i`m less grouchy.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Friday funny

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing
a long flowing white robe."Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious man answered: "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned: "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family..... you've got to send me backstraight away".

St Peter replied: "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said:

"So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming, and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:

"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh*tting in the bed"

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Thursday Thirteen

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Umm..i`ll try for next week


Go here to get your cyborg name. Yeah, i`m bored tonight.

I`m really sleepy actually. I`m blaming the weather as both me n Zara have had no energy the past couple of days. Just can`t seem to get motivated. And then today at work Rob said he felt the same! So it`s either that or they`re putting something in our water up here.

I don`t think it helped that halfway through the week our boss decided to piss us off by informing us we cant` use the vans to go home in on our lunch break. Yeah, that would have been fine if he`d laid down the ground rules when we first started taking the vans home.

I swear he just sits in his office thinking off ways to wind us up. It bloody works whatever he does. Anyway, i`m still using the van. It was the lamest of reasons he used for us not using them. And until we`re provided with a canteen then he has little choice but to let us.

Well the bath panel arrived today. Looks great, no marks, no scratches, doesn`t fit...arrghh!. So we have to 'modify' some of Rod`s workwork. Other than that. It looks really good.

Well, i`ll leave you with what we are often faced with when trying to get into bed. It`s not as scary as it looks. He hides under the duvet whenever he gets scared. Like when the binmen come round.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Ok, so i`m running late. I need to wash my hair and get out the bath before Stargate starts and my mind is blank.

So here for your enjoyment are some facts :)

Females learn to talk earlier, use sentences earlier, and learn to read more quickly than males.

35% of the people using personal ads for dating are already married!

The faster a kangaroo hops, the less energy it burns!

The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means 'to exercise naked.'

Wearing yellow makes you look bigger on camera; green, smaller.

In Japan, it is completely acceptable to name your child “Buttocks” or “Prostitute”!

A full-grown bear can run as fast as a horse.

A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length.

Most car horns honk in the key of 'F'.

There you go fact fans. I`ll not make any comment on the first fact due to personal safety reasons.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Argh! She got me!

Ok, i`ve been tagged by the very wonderful Tarragon. So here are the rules:

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

My songs of the moment are:
1. Wango Tango - Ted Nugent
2. Symphony of Destruction - Megadeth
3. Downbound Train - Bruce Springsteen
4. Ends - Everlast
5. The Thin Ice - Pink Floyd
6. Broken Heroes - Saxon
7. Electric Head - White Zombie

I only have 4 peeps to sacrifice to this meme, so if anybody feels like doing it then let me know it my comments, k?

1. gemmak
2. Celena
3. mystickalincense
4. gabrielle
5. Somebody?
6. Anybody?
7. Hello??

Monday, February 20, 2006


Sigh, sod being a surrogate parent, or a halfway house...or whatever you want to call us. I just couldn`t do it.

We looked after a friends new guinea pig from last Wednesday to Sunday. It`s was her lad`s birthday and little piggy was the present he`s been wanting for a long time. So we did the decent thing and did our best to hold lil piggy hostage, lol.

Ok, not really...but it tempting.

She may not have done much. She may have only sat in her cage as quietly as possible. But it feels a little emptier in the house now.

And as can be seen here she takes an instant like to Sooty our rat!

We need more pets...the house is too empty with only ourselves 2 cats and a rat.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Mad World

Ok, so i`m trying to write this whilst watching 24 on Sky One. But just had to get it out my system. It`s another political rant i`m afraid.

It seems these riots over the cartoons aren`t going to end anytime soon. And it seems the 'We hate Denmark' campaign has turned into another excuse to blame America. Now i`m not an expert on all things political or religious to do with this, or any of the troubles in the Middle East. And the entire Muslim can not be held responsible for the actions of a percentage of nutcases. But when the only headlines you read are along the lines of

Muslims Assault U.S. Embassy in Indonesia
4 Dead in Afghan Protests Over Drawings
Iranian Paper Plans Holocaust Cartoons
Afghan Rioters Demonstrate Over Cartoons

Then you have to wonder how the Islamic faith can be viewd as anything but violent.

And how can this be explained if the Mohammed is not allowed to be depicted in any way?

Prophet Mohammed's movie set for screening in North America

Mohammed: The Last Prophet will premiers in theaters in US, Canadian cities on Eid Al Fitr after 9/11 delay.<more>

Double standards? Or the cartoons just another excuse for the radicals to vent their hatred for the West.

Oh yeah, real funny!

/sarcasm off.

Ok, followed gemmak`s link to a friends blog about this. So go here to read the ridiculous truth about expedia`s supposed attempt at a funny ad about leaving your cat home alone whilst you take a long vacation.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Garfield and the new sink

Garfield and the new sink
Video sent by Paddy
Garfield checks out the new sink as his new drinking fountain!


I think i`m in heaven.
If heaven is a nice hot *new* bath, then yes, I`m in heaven.

So, if you`ve been reading the past few posts you`ll know what i`m on about. If not then...well...WELL THE HELL YOU BEEN? heh.

We have a new bathroom!! Wooo!

We have a toilet with a trendy push button flush, a nice big wide bath a big ol` sink (that doesn`t leak anymore). And a shower with enough pressure that it feels like you`re being hit by a water cannon.

I like. I like a lot.

Zara has been taking pictures so I`ll post some exciting shots of the bath, etc. Don`t worry. I`ll make sure i`m not in any of these ones.

It`s been a hell of a week. 'R' has worked miracles to get done what he has. In comparison we get to do all the easy stuff. Wallpapering, tiling and putting the floor tiles down. Not looking forward to any of it as it`s all stuff i`ve ever done before.

Garfield isn`t too keen on the new layout tho. No comfy toilet cover to sit on and he can`t get on the sink. He`s letting us know about it!

All this and looking after a new guinea pig...well...temporarily. But i`ll save that until tomorrow.

Friday, February 17, 2006


No, I don`t know what it means. No, I don`t know what it`ll prove. But just go here and pick 6 things that define me and we`ll see where it takes us.

Blatantly copied this from Gemmak...so blame her ;)

And following a link on gemmak`s comments page from Joanna My Bloginality is ISFP!!!

Damn I`m a sucker for these kind of tests!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thursday Thirteen - Bathroom Week

Thirteen Things Bathroom week

1. Ripped the rest of the tiles off
2. And most of the plaster came with it as well
3. Vowed never to use expanding foam ever again
4. Had great fun with an electric sander
5. Decided I need more power tools
6. Removed old under sink cupboard
7. Managed to leave the sink still attached to the wall!
8. Helped remove old sink, bath and toilet
9. Stayed the hell out the way for the big plumbing stuff
10.Managed to time toilet breaks for when the new toilet was plumbed in
11.Worried that we have gone way over budget
12.Still praying we won`t have any leaks
13.Tried out new bath!

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


Thats how I feel right now. I can`t explain why really. It`s just something in me feels that whatever I do isn`t good enough. Or the right thing to do.

It`s probably best I just stay out of everybody`s way. I hate times like this. I don`t feel like i`m in control of anything.

I`m just tired I guess. Low.

I should be used to criticism or the comments. Maybe I just let the words hurt me too much.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I have a home!

No, not my real one...although, er...I still have that one of course!


BlogExplosion is what I`m on about. And trying to buy rent space for my blog. It`s an area fraught with difficulty. Which is why i`m really pleased to have been taken under the wing of the very kind Tarragon at Under the Hazel Tree.

Despite my naked bum probably being the first thing she saw on my page she still felt the need to take me in this week. So go over and say hi and read the really cool introduction she gives me :)

Speaking of which I haven`t done the same for my new tenant. I think it`s because I really couldn`t think of the words to describe his blog. No words could do it justice. All I can say is go...go now, and let the experience that is The Haunted House Dressing wash over you.

And finally...the bathroom. Well, it`s getting there. I`ve been trying to stay out the way and only help when it`s been asked for. Otherwise we`d probably be knee deep in water by now. It`s looking good. It`s starting to look like a bathroom again.

I`m so looking forward to just soaking in my own bath again. My parents have been really cool and letting us all go round to use their bath and shower.

But I want my own bath back. I need my own bath back. As you can tell...
I`m a bath person :)

Although Zara seems to have taken a liking to it (as can be seen in the top pic). Which is a big no no considering the amount of money we spent on a shower which took so long to choose you wouldn`t believe.

I can see their could be bloodshed over this new bath...hmmm.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

B-Day -1

The crew are here...ie, Zara`s mum and Rod. We`ve let them have our bedroom as the only guest room we have is the computer with a small folding out bed/settee. It also means i`m closer to my computer ;)

So here I sit on the edge of my 'bed' with a rat sat up my dressing gown sleeve. I`m beginning to think the animals are the ones with the most sense. They don`t fill their lives with the stresses us humans do.

More to the point, they don`t feel the need to redecorate their living area/toilet area. Ok, so i`m getting a little stressed about the impending bathroom refit. This is seriously unknown territory for me and part of me is regretting starting it.

I know it`ll be alright in the end. But it`s that feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff and looking down and getting that sinking feeling that it`s going to really really hurt.

I`m just going to go with the flow. Whatever Rod says is the right thing to do I`m gonna go with. Cos I don`t have a clue. And anyway, Zara will probably be doing enough disagreeing for the both of us.

To pick a line from my favourite film to sum up how I feel right now. I`ll have to rely on Star Wars ;)

"Help me Obi Wan you`re my only hope"

Saturday, February 11, 2006

B-Day -2

The day the new bathroom suite gets fitted is close at hand. All the old tiles are off. Including most of the plaster! Zara had great fun with expanding foam. She just has to wait 6 hours to get the damn stuff off her hands before she can do anything again.

I, of course, was in a terrible mood doing all of this. I`m just not a DIY`er. I hate it. It`s probably because i`m no good at it. I don`t know what i`m doing. So Zara`s mum and Rod are coming up tomorrow night to help over the next week.

I`ve got Monday off, and i`m thinking of spending the day in the pub.

Despite all these little hiccups we`re ready to go. The suite is in the garage, along with the tiles, tile adhesive. Wallpaper, floor tiles and a large bottle of whisky.

Of course now we just have to hope we can get into the bathroom tomorrow after Zara`s mad expanding foam frenzy!

Friday, February 10, 2006


Well as Zara said I should blog this picture for posterity. And as she probably thought I wouldn`t then here it is. I apologise for those with a weak constitution for the graphic nature of this image.

Maybe I have a habit of having a tad too much hot water in my baths. I was washing my hair when Zara took the picture if anybody is wondering why my arse is in the air. If you are looking at the picture and wondering such things then I suggest you go get some sort of counselling!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Pt 5

Thirteen Things that kept me entertained at work on my ipod this week

1. The Dawn & Drew Show (podcast)
2. This Week in Tech (podcast)
3. Inside the Net (podcast)
4. The Dragon Page (podcast)
5. KFI Tech Guy (podcast)
6. Brave Men Run (audiobook)
7. Earthcore (audiobook)
8. Excalibur (audiobook)
9. Guns N Roses - Lies
10.Megadeth - Peace Sells...
11.Metallica - Various Tracks
12.Iron Maiden - Various Tracks
13.Green Day - Various Tracks

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Drivers! No not the pesky things you need to download to get certain hardware working! I`ve had enough of them!

I mean the idiots who get behind the wheel. I swear they were all after me today. Had to make a delivery today out of town. Not a long journey. It gets me out of work for an hour or so, so I don`t mind.

But, was it national looney overtaking day today? If I had one near head on collision I must have had about five by the end of the journey.

I`m not saying i`m the best driver in the world. But I know when to overtake and when to stay behind the articulated lorry thats barreling along infront of me.

Still. What do I know. I think tomorrows Thursday Thirteen is going to be 13 things that piss me off.

What really did it for me was the sticker in some guys car that read 'smoke free zone'. I know modern cars have catalytic converters. And I know he meant no smoking in his car. But honestly. Smug little twats like that piss me off. I bet he was an ex-smoker as well.

Ok, it`s been a long day and i`m kinda tired and grouchy. Can you tell?

Still, cold have been worse. Zara`s brother in law got a nasty surprise when someone plowed into the back of his car yesterday. One of those muppets in a damn big 4x4 with bullhorns on the front of it made out of railways tracks, or something. Why do people need those things just to go shopping at tesco?

Right, i`m done now. Less than half an hour to stargate atlantis is on. Time to relax!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Questions questions

Ok, as everyone seems to be in question and answer mode and I can`t be bothered to write anything else (I have plenty to say though you`ll be pleased to hear..ok, who groaned!) I shall answer a bunch of questions gemmak emailed me.


1. Been so drunk you blacked out? Yes
2. Kept a secret from everyone? Yes
4. Had a crush on a teacher? Yes, Miss Ross...mmm.
5. Ever thought an animated character was hot? Umm, no
6. Had a "New Kids on the Block" tape? Nooooo!
7. Been on stage? No
8. Cut your own hair? Yes


9. Fave Shampoo. Head & Shoulders
10. Summer/winter: Summer
11. Cartoon character: Count Duckula
12. Fave Food? Pizza
13. Fave movies? LOTR, Breakfast Club
14. Fave ice cream? Strawberry
15. Fave drink? Vodka ;)
16. Fave person to talk to online? Deanna in Canada


17. Wearing? Nothing!
18. Hair is? Wet
19. How are you feeling? Sleepy
20. Eating? Nope
21. Thinking about? How to answer these questions
22. Listening to? My girlfriend


23. Cried? No
24. Worn a skirt? No
25. Met someone new? No
28. Driven a car? Yes
29. Gotten high? No


30. Yourself? Yes!
31. Your friends? Some of them
32. Tooth Fairy? No
33. Angels? No
34. Ghosts? Yes
35. UFO's? I`d like to


36. Do you fancy someone? Yes
37. Who have you known the longest out of who u sent this to? Blogging it no sending it.
38. Who do you go to for advice? My Mum
39. Who do you cry to? Myself
40. What are the best feelings in the world? Listening to my girlfriend talk
41. Who will respond to this email the fastest? Blogging it remember!
42. Who did you send this to who won't respond? See above
43. Who sent this to you? Gemmak

Got any more? Leave em in the comments and i`ll try and answer them.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Just had to be said

Now i`m not one to be all political but I just had to post the picture. Don`t know if it was in any of the papers as I don`t read them! But I had to try not to laugh out loud at the irony of what this guy was trying to say. Do you think he has ANY idea.

Bearing in mind that this placard was waved in a country that allows freedom of speech. I`m sorry. But am I missing something here?

Caricatures of their prophet is a no no.
But burning caricatures of our leaders and calling for their deaths is ok?

Another story I caught over the weekend that had me shaking my head was titled:

Dog owners in China opt to have canines' vocal cords cut to keep them quiet

It`s the shortest 'article' i`ve ever but the two lines that made up the article left feeling there is not help for humanities stupidity.

In order to stop their pets from barking, many unlicensed owners in one Chinese city are opting to have their dogs' vocal cords cut.

Hmm, I never will understand people.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


I really should give a shoutout to my new tenant.

Introducing Catapillar over at Be the Butterfly. She`s gone through a slight metamorphosisisis with her blog and got a shiny new look. So go check it out and say nice things :)

Going to go check out where she got the blog template from so if you can`t read anything after this post it`s cos i`ve broken my blog...which really does sound quite painful so I shall avoid doing so at all costs!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Bathtime fun!

Ok, not quite what your pervy little minds were thinking...hmm, or maybe thats just me.

The new bathroom suite turned up this morning!...woo. At 9am. Which is way too early for a Saturday.

So after a moment of panic as I tried to get my trousers on so I could move the car out the way the new suite was placed in it`s temporary home that is the garage. And now we just wait for Zara`s Mum and Rod to come up and help fit it all in for us as I don`t have the first clue about these things and would end up flooding the house....

...and next door as well probably!

Had a better day emotionally after the shocking news yesterday. Amazing how these feelings come and go. Live waves really. I must be in a calm patch at the moment as I feel quite mellow. Although the can of Boddingtons I had has helped I think.

I really let loose in yesterdays post. Wrote stuff down that I haven`t written before. Feel better for letting it out though. Just hope I didn`t freak anybody out with it.

A big thank you to Gemmak for being my willing accomplace, heh...just have to hope it dosn`t come back to bite me on the arse now! And why are you never on Messenger? hmm? hmm?

Ok, i`ve done whinging now. I`m sure there was more I was going to say but my brain is a bit sleepy.

Friday, February 03, 2006


Ok, today has not been a good day.

It`s not my family that`s been involved, but it does kinda involve Zara`s side of things. It`s not my place to go into details. Even here on my own blog so I`ll not. So some of this might sound a bit obscure.

We only met him once.
At a party. Last year.
A bbq. We met a lot of family neither of us had met before.
We met her brother.
He seemed like a nice bloke.
He was a nice bloke, they were close.
But he suffered from depression.

And today we learnt he`d commited suicide.

I`d only met him briefly at the party but it hit me really bad. I don`t know if it was because it reminded me of how I felt when I heard my brother had been killed on his motorbike. Or the depression. Or the suicide.

I was 16 the first time. I didn`t know where my life was going, who I was or why I was on this planet. A typical teenager I guess.

I used to cut. If I felt low or unwanted I would take a razor blade to my arm and make quick cuts across my arms and wrists. Wasn`t like I was trying to kill myself, just hurt myself. Just a little.

I was 16 and a friends party. She was more than a friend. Well to me she was. We were close. But not in the way I wanted to be. I wanted more than friendship. And she knew this. Our other friends said she used to lead me on a bit. But she didn`t she it. Anyway, at this party. I felt that was the night we might get to be more than friends. I don`t know why. I`m a 16 yr old boy.

So we down drinks all night and she`s going round all her friends and sitting with us and laughing. And then her boyfriend comes in. Urgh. I didn`t even know. I felt like i`d been punched in the chest. I had to get out.

A mate agreed to take me home cos I was drunk and upset and banging my head against the toilet wall. I hate myself for ruining his night.

We went back to his flat. I felt numb. Part drink, part emotion. I went to the toilet . I saw the razor blade. I don`t really remember much after that except my mate screaming down the phone for an ambulance.

I recovered. Got over her. Eventually and managed to go on with life without a dark shadow hanging over me.

Until I was 30 and I met C. My life wasn`t too good. My wife and I weren`t exactly the closest couple. My brother had been killed by this time and my wife`s dad was dying from cancer.

We met up, things happened things went wrong. All this over the course of a few months. My wife`s dad died. The old feelings of being helpless came back. I was 16 again.

I sat at my computer and thought I couldn`t keep going on like this. I took a plastic bag, put it over my head and tied it tight around my neck and waited for the oxygen to run out.

I was hyperventilating when my mobile rang and it was C on the phone. I ripped the bag off in a panic. Running out of air is a horrible feeling. Your body starts panicing and you breath faster and faster to try and get what little air there is left into your lungs.

Maybe I wasn`t serious about going through with it. But why did C ring up like that. It wasn`t planned. It was out the blue.

But I can understand how he could have killed himself. For me it was love. Always is. For others it`s money. Or feeling a failure. Or losing your job.

I often wonder how far I would have gone if it hadn`t been for that phone call.

A lot went on in those months to get me to that point. And I vowed never to get there again. I hope I can see the signs.

Me and the wife split up. We`s mentally seperated a long time ago really. She was always with her mum after her dad died. Which I understood. But she didn`t need me.

I felt guilty for all this happening whilst she dealt with her dad. But I was still grieving over my brother. The blinkers were on. I could only see the dark tunnel I was in.

There`s no accounting for timing I guess.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Congrats to whoever became my 500th visitor. You win...er...nothing cos I can`t find out who you were...sigh...anyway...wooo!

Thursday Thirteen part 4

Thirteen Places i`ve left my mark on the Internet

1. Paddy`s Place Homepage
2. Paddy`s Place of Prattling
3. Paddy`s Place of Pictures
4. Paddy`s Place of Moving Pictures
5. Paddy`s Place of Proto (my Protopage)
6. My De.licio.us bookmarks (ok, ran out of Paddy`s Place.. titles)
7. Our Cats
8. MySpace Profile
9. Digg Profile
10.Last.fm profile (haven`t used this recently tho)
11.Newsvine profile (only just joined so nothing up yet)
12.Blogline Feeds
13.Anybody know of other cool sites to join let me know

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Spell with Flickr

PADOrange Dy

How cool is this... type words into the form and the site will make up the words from images on Flickr!

Try it here