Friday, February 03, 2006

Demons

Ok, today has not been a good day.

It`s not my family that`s been involved, but it does kinda involve Zara`s side of things. It`s not my place to go into details. Even here on my own blog so I`ll not. So some of this might sound a bit obscure.

We only met him once.
At a party. Last year.
A bbq. We met a lot of family neither of us had met before.
We met her brother.
He seemed like a nice bloke.
He was a nice bloke, they were close.
But he suffered from depression.

And today we learnt he`d commited suicide.

I`d only met him briefly at the party but it hit me really bad. I don`t know if it was because it reminded me of how I felt when I heard my brother had been killed on his motorbike. Or the depression. Or the suicide.

I was 16 the first time. I didn`t know where my life was going, who I was or why I was on this planet. A typical teenager I guess.

I used to cut. If I felt low or unwanted I would take a razor blade to my arm and make quick cuts across my arms and wrists. Wasn`t like I was trying to kill myself, just hurt myself. Just a little.

I was 16 and a friends party. She was more than a friend. Well to me she was. We were close. But not in the way I wanted to be. I wanted more than friendship. And she knew this. Our other friends said she used to lead me on a bit. But she didn`t she it. Anyway, at this party. I felt that was the night we might get to be more than friends. I don`t know why. I`m a 16 yr old boy.

So we down drinks all night and she`s going round all her friends and sitting with us and laughing. And then her boyfriend comes in. Urgh. I didn`t even know. I felt like i`d been punched in the chest. I had to get out.

A mate agreed to take me home cos I was drunk and upset and banging my head against the toilet wall. I hate myself for ruining his night.

We went back to his flat. I felt numb. Part drink, part emotion. I went to the toilet . I saw the razor blade. I don`t really remember much after that except my mate screaming down the phone for an ambulance.

I recovered. Got over her. Eventually and managed to go on with life without a dark shadow hanging over me.

Until I was 30 and I met C. My life wasn`t too good. My wife and I weren`t exactly the closest couple. My brother had been killed by this time and my wife`s dad was dying from cancer.

We met up, things happened things went wrong. All this over the course of a few months. My wife`s dad died. The old feelings of being helpless came back. I was 16 again.

I sat at my computer and thought I couldn`t keep going on like this. I took a plastic bag, put it over my head and tied it tight around my neck and waited for the oxygen to run out.

I was hyperventilating when my mobile rang and it was C on the phone. I ripped the bag off in a panic. Running out of air is a horrible feeling. Your body starts panicing and you breath faster and faster to try and get what little air there is left into your lungs.

Maybe I wasn`t serious about going through with it. But why did C ring up like that. It wasn`t planned. It was out the blue.

But I can understand how he could have killed himself. For me it was love. Always is. For others it`s money. Or feeling a failure. Or losing your job.

I often wonder how far I would have gone if it hadn`t been for that phone call.

A lot went on in those months to get me to that point. And I vowed never to get there again. I hope I can see the signs.

Me and the wife split up. We`s mentally seperated a long time ago really. She was always with her mum after her dad died. Which I understood. But she didn`t need me.

I felt guilty for all this happening whilst she dealt with her dad. But I was still grieving over my brother. The blinkers were on. I could only see the dark tunnel I was in.

There`s no accounting for timing I guess.