Wednesday, April 26, 2006


Another day nearer being another year older.

Been a bit out of it today. Just a little.

The things that trigger a memory.

A sound
An image
A smell

I really want to know what it is, cos i`ve only smelt it less than a handful of times, but it hits me like i`ve been punched in the stomach.

It`s an aftershave in case you were wondering what i`m on about.

After my brothers first accident. When he was getting better, but still in hospital, his girlfriend would come in and help him get ready for the day. This included shaving, then drowning him in what I assume was her favourite aftershave.

I don`t think David really knew or cared what it was at the time.

Anyway. This mental ordour image has ingrained itself on my brain.

It reminds me of wondering if my brother even knew who I was at the time.
It reminds me of sitting there whilst he stroked my hair. The first sign of any sort of recognition.
It reminds me of playing TOCA constantly on his ps1

All the emotion, stress, heartache comes flooding back in one wave whenever I smell that aftershave. My stomach knots up and I get a lump in my throat. Just for a moment I wonder if i`m stood in work or in the hospital.

The raw moment doesn`t last long. But it throws me for the rest of the day. It`s like there`s a fog infront of my eyes, And then th real world comes rushing back.

Nobody know`s whats going on in my head. Life goes on. All the petty squabbles of day to day work wash over me.

In and odd way it`s calming.

The thought that in x number of years. None of this is really going to matter.