Saturday, August 12, 2006

Deja Vu

I`ve been trying to write this post since last night.
Various events have been stopping me. Mainly on how to put the jumble of thought in my head into any meaningful coherent sentences.
I`m not sure i`m actually there yet. But the house is empty so I really should make the most of the peace and quiet.

I have a workmate.
This workmate has a friend.
And this friends' brother was killed yesterday in an accident at work.

My workmate was pretty shocked by it all as he had to drive his friend to the hospital, or parents, or something. I can't remember the detail now.

It wasn't like a bolt of lightning hitting me, but slowly through the day little snippets of the past filtered into my head.

I know exactly how this friend is feeling right now. The circumstances may be different. But the emotion is the same. It's the sort of thing you never forget. I can picture exactly where I was sitting when Tina (ex-wife) took the phonecall telling me my brother had been killed. Although the tv was on I cannot remember what program we were watching, which is kinda odd really considering how clear the rest of this image is inside my head.

I remember driving up to my parents house as fast as I could. Even though part of me didn't actually want to see the anguish on their faces.

I remember my mum's face.

I remember we laid in bed pretty much half the night talking about him, drinking whisky until either raw emotion or alchohol made me fall asleep.

I remember how the days and weeks and months afterwards all merged together. How nothing mattered. Everything seemed so trivial. I was floating. It all felt so...surreal.

I remember seeing my dad cry for the second time in my life. The first being when his mother died.

Momentary flashes of the past kept coming in and out of focus. I tried to help my workmate, advise him on how to help his friend. And if there was anything I could do then just call.

The poor bastard has got everything I went through to come. As far as i`m aware nobody else was involved in this accident though. So at least this friend won't have the overwhelming urge to kill the person who took the life of someone so close.

An eye for an eye right.

That feeling didn't last long fortunately. All part of the anger. The feeling helpless. The wanting for someone to punished. To feel the hurt.

I don't cry now.

Not until something like this brings it all back. Like someone has picked the scab off this raw emotion.

And now the feeling are buried inside me again. Waiting to well up.

I feel calm.
I feel ok today.
I just feel tired.