Thursday, November 16, 2006

Weak

I'm ok now. I always feel ok with the world when i'm safe in my own home. With the curtains closed and the doors locked on these cold nights.

But out in the real world I don't often feel in control.

I'm weak willed
Weak minded.
Weak spirited.

An animal has probably died because of me, and I hate myself for it.

We have a rat at work, or rats. Or something that's chewing the cables and eating the left over food we discard.

I suggested a humane trap.
I just didn't hammer the point home that this was the right thing to do.

I was weak.

Pest control was brought in.
Poison was put down.
Now there is no sign of the little furry critter.

I had been putting bits of crisps down in my work room. And by morning these had been eaten.

So now the little guy is gone. And it's all down to me.

Our workplace had bought mousetraps. Mousetraps for fuck sake!
It'll maim it I said.
Nobody listened.
So I made sure I was the last to leave, and then made sure the traps didn't do any kind of damage.

So then the poison was put down.
And I did nothing.
I felt like I could do nothing.
I might as well have put the poison down myself.

I'm sorry to the little fella who had the misfortune to think our workplace was a safe refuge from the cold world.

But I guess at least he ate well whilst he stayed in my work room.

I'm just weak.